The Joy of HSN.

I can't be the only one who thinks The Home Shopping Network is kind of like valium. It's like, as long as people are still selling stuff on tv, then it can't really be Armageddon. My job(s) might be reaching all-time highs of suckitude, the stock market might be all WTF, and Barack Obama might be about to start spreading my wealth for purposes of fairness. And yet, somehow, watching overly made-up women walking around on sound stages in Diamondique-accented club wear and taking calls from lonely old women in Small Town, USA, all ringed in the ambient glow of a television screen makes me feel OKAY.

So, don't get me wrong, here--I wouldn't actually buy anything off HSN. I'm just admitting that it's KIND OF an anchor for me. Just knowing it's there--like a guard dog or a night light--that's the purpose it serves for me. My favorite segment lately is the amazing Wei East Anti-Aging Cosmetics line made from REAL GOLDEN ROOT. I don't actually know what Golden Root is, but apparently it's only available A MILLION FEET ABOVE SEA LEVEL or something like that, so it's really rare and makes your skin look like baby skin.

...You know, I don't even NEED the snarkiness, E. For real. ANYWAY, as I was saying, watch this video and tell me Wei is not the most comforting tv personality since Johnny Carson. That might be a stretch, but I know that when things get tough for me, I'll be saying, "Oh, Wei, tell me a story! Tell me about the Golden Root and the 'ancient royalties' again and let me know that you'll ALWAYS BE THERE with my Golden Root--no matter what happens!"