Fun with fan poetry...

The fan fiction database site Fanfiction.net instructs its posters to 'unleash your imagination.' Let me tell you, my friends, there is nothing more sweet and cringe-inducingly hilarious than teens and tweens unleashing their imaginations on the world wide web.

Takes you RIGHT BACK, doesn't it? I'm pretty sure I spent a significant amount of time in 6th grade planning how I was going to get to Los Angeles so I could dazzle Jonathan Brandis into marrying me. HOW MANY episodes of Seaquest DSV did I dutifully record onto countless VHS tapes, just so I could play them back in slo-mo and stare into his dreamy blue eyes just one more time?
Today we'll be examining a couple of poems by a Twilight fan who calls herself Darren's Wings. The first one is about hot vampire Edward Cullen's eyes, the second, about his love-interest Bella Swan's. I KNOW. Try to control yourselves. The excitement is almost too much...

Eyelashes by Darren's Wings
Bronze bars barring gold
Eyelashes flutter, dazzle
My beautiful dreams

Chocolate by Darren's Wings
Swirling feathers of
Soft chocolate brown closed eyes
Hidden from my own

Ah, haiku. I love haiku--so short and simple. I must admit, though, I'm a little disappointed by the Edward one. What exactly does 'bronze bars barring gold' mean? I mean, does that mean they're shaped like bars and they're just not gold? I fail to see how that adds to our vignette, here, but whatever. I mean, I know part of his appeal is that he's SUPERHUMANLY BEAUTIFUL, but I'm not sure I care too much about his fluttering, dazzling eyelashes. Perhaps I have more of an appreciation of traditional masculinity than Darren's Wings. Here's what I would have written:

Brute Strength by Emmy
Who cares about Edward's eyes?
Dent in the side of a truck
Hand like steel. Yes, please.

Okay, so I have read Twilight and half of New Moon (kind of lost interest after that, I'm afraid), and I will go ahead and say that Bella is my least favorite character of all. And that's pretty sad, considering she's the protagonist. I mean, can we say WHINY? Can we say CODEPENDENT? Of course, I guess Edward is both of those things too, but he's hot and he has SUPERHUMAN STRENGTH, people, so that MAKES UP FOR IT. I guess I can only wish that in the story, Edward could have written the exact same Darren's Wings poem, Chocolate, to give to Bella and she would have been all, "What the hell does this even mean?" and then he could have found someone else. I feel another haiku coming on...

Bella Swan by Emmy
Whining. Edward don't leave me.
No identity
Without you. Whining.