The Joy of HSN.

I can't be the only one who thinks The Home Shopping Network is kind of like valium. It's like, as long as people are still selling stuff on tv, then it can't really be Armageddon. My job(s) might be reaching all-time highs of suckitude, the stock market might be all WTF, and Barack Obama might be about to start spreading my wealth for purposes of fairness. And yet, somehow, watching overly made-up women walking around on sound stages in Diamondique-accented club wear and taking calls from lonely old women in Small Town, USA, all ringed in the ambient glow of a television screen makes me feel OKAY.

So, don't get me wrong, here--I wouldn't actually buy anything off HSN. I'm just admitting that it's KIND OF an anchor for me. Just knowing it's there--like a guard dog or a night light--that's the purpose it serves for me. My favorite segment lately is the amazing Wei East Anti-Aging Cosmetics line made from REAL GOLDEN ROOT. I don't actually know what Golden Root is, but apparently it's only available A MILLION FEET ABOVE SEA LEVEL or something like that, so it's really rare and makes your skin look like baby skin.

...You know, I don't even NEED the snarkiness, E. For real. ANYWAY, as I was saying, watch this video and tell me Wei is not the most comforting tv personality since Johnny Carson. That might be a stretch, but I know that when things get tough for me, I'll be saying, "Oh, Wei, tell me a story! Tell me about the Golden Root and the 'ancient royalties' again and let me know that you'll ALWAYS BE THERE with my Golden Root--no matter what happens!"

Shopgirl Skills 3

Me: Hi ladies, may I help you?

Woman 1: Yes, we're looking for some hostess gifts.

Woman 2: My son is going to spend some time in Europe with some host families over Spring Break, and I need something small so it will fit in his bags, you know?

Me: Okay, well, how about some smaller coffee table books? We have some in paperback. Maybe like these Images of America historic photograph books? We have some on Georgia. We also have some tea and hot chocolate sets and some glassware over in the coffeeshop area.

Woman 2: Well, we'd like something that brings our culture to THEM, you know?

Me: Okay, well, maybe the books would be best for that.

Woman 1: They're too BIG, though. That's the only thing. I mean, it has to fit in his luggage, and he needs more than one.

[At this point, Woman 2 excitedly grabs a plastic and rubber Mickey Mouse clip bookmark off a rack and holds it up for her friend.]

Woman 2: OH, now SEE? THIS is perfect. It's very representative of America!

Woman 1: Oh, yes! That is perfect! [turning to me] What do you think?

Me: Um, that is really, uh, cute, but I'm not sure it's what you're looking for...

Woman 1: It really isn't right for a hostess gift, is it? ...Well, thanks for your help! I guess we'll go to Target or something. Bye!

[Woman 2 looked a little stricken, but went along anyway.]

Call me a snob if you want, dear readers, but a clip bookmark? Really? Wait--what am I SAYING? What an amazing hostess gift, sure to be useful and enjoyed by all members of the host family for years to come. Plus, it's not like Mickey Mouse novelties are available, like, OVERSEAS, as everyone knows. Also, too bad about that whole No-Liquids-On-Planes thing since without that rule, they could have taken an appropriate gift that was REALLY representative of America and Georgia--A CAN OF COKE! HELLO, people--it says AMERICA, it says ATLANTA! It's perfect! I don't know what could possibly be more tasteful than that, either... Okay, maybe a Special Edition Scarlett O'Hara Barbie IN the Twelve Oaks Barbecue Gown, but she said something SMALL, everyone. Geez.

Old People vs. The Machines

Round One: The Self Checkout Lane (Home Depot, circa 2004)

My brother: Let's just go through the self checkout lane! It'll be faster.

My Dad: But I can't do that! I need change!

My brother: ...It actually will give you change...

My Dad: Oh...

Can't you just sort of imagine him leaning awkwardly into the touch screen and saying slowly, "Hello, machine! I'd like to purchase these items, please!"? I know--KIND OF adorable.

Rejected Suitor of the Week: Henry Cavill

So, dear readers, I think it all went rather well, considering. It's always hard when E and I have to turn down yet another sweet, handsome swain who had, no doubt, been attending our salon in hopes of snaring one of us for himself, having no choice but to act upon his intense primal desires for our Awesome. This week's lovelorn lad is the exquisite Henry Cavill. I know, ladies and gentlemen, I know. Meow. You may be thinking that E and I must be completely mad to turn down someone as superhumanly beautiful as Henry Cavill, but it's only because, as we all know, E and I are ALSO superhumanly beautiful. So you see how it could never work. I mean, our babies would obviously be, like, too beautiful to live. They'd be OSTRACIZED like in that episode of The Twilight Zone where a beautiful woman has been deemed a FREAK because she doesn't have a pig nose like everyone else. Think of the children, readers--think of the children! As a parting gift, I shall post an intimate candid of E and I lounging around with the lovely HC before we so cooly rejected him:


So, your leg looks HAWT there, E. I mean, so do my boobs, but I'm just saying...

Speaking of tv show openings...

Please notice that toward the end, this amazing video features THE scariest part of Are You Afraid of the Dark? Yes, that's right--it features the opening credits. Seriously. The clown doll and the swings--OMG. When that show would come on, I'd basically have to turn the channel until the opening credits were over and then watch the actual show, just like with The X-Files and Unsolved Mysteries. Who writes such freaking scary music, people? Do you have to be weird or something?...I mean, not that I was some kind of BABY about it, but you know...

When Nickelodeon was awesome...

I KNOW I'm not the only one who had a huge crush on DANNY! Hawt! I'd love for him to teach me how to, like, ROPE things and stuff. I know, I know--who's with me on that, ladies and gentlemen?? ...So, I kind of hate how so many people here are obviously huge liars...

So, FYI, everyone--do yourselves a favor and DO NOT go see Transsiberian. I was so excited about this movie, and the premise seemed so thrilling and YET it was ruined by completely unlikable/moronic characters, an unsatisfying, unrealistic ending and a pace like silly putty through a sieve. At this point, you may be saying, "But Emmy, silly putty can't actually GO through a sieve." And my reply to that, my friends, would be, "Exactly." Seriously, by the end of this movie, I felt like I had been sitting in the theater since 2005. For real. Save yourselves, dear readers! Steer clear of this massive disappointment. (Okay, except for Ben Kingsley. I mean, he was pretty good, but is he ever really bad in anything? No. There you go...)