Color Me Beautiful: Bridal Edition (Part Two)

Oh, we're back, everyone--I know you're all dying to understand the process of selecting appropriate seasonal menswear for your wedding. Sadly, it would seem that Color Me Beautiful (Last last chance) weddings aren't quite equal opportunity, if you get my drift. In fact, the only options for men, clearly due to society's incredibly UNJUST disregard for male seasonal palettes, are based on how formal or informal the wedding is--no mention at all about the warm, mellow tones of your groom's delicious olive skin and what compliments it besides the pair of your quivering lips on your honeymoon in Maui. Still, I know you want to see the pics, so first up is the suggested attire for an ultraformal wedding during the summer months:
So, I know that white tails are sometimes actually appropriate for an ultraformal occasion, but I swear, I feel like if I were attending a wedding where this was the chosen men's attire, I would just forget or something... Like maybe if he were standing near my table at the reception, I might turn and stare at him expectantly, thinking he was going to start tap dancing and tossing his cane around and singing Everything Old Is New Again. Also, I think the forelock needs to go. Perhaps it's kind of the idea, but he looks a little too Ken Carson circa 1989 for my taste.

Next up is the formal evening wedding:

So what's up with the TOP SECRET styling in this picture? Is this what you're supposed to wear if you're attending a wedding AND harboring state secrets? Or attending a wedding AND planning to assassinate someone before the bouquet toss? Then again, perhaps it's just giving you tips on how to stand in the shadows observing everything mysteriously before you rush to the middle of the room to yell at Sam for playing As Time Goes By.

Next up is the ultraformal/formal daytime wedding:

Speaking of Ken dolls...this one even comes with its own Flower Girl Kelly for Junior Bridesmaid Skipper to take care of during the reception so all the adults can get smashed. You know, Skipper is always getting the raw end of the deal like that. If there were one member of Barbie's family that were going to have a psychotic break and murder Barbie in her sleep, I think we can all agree it would be Skipper. I mean, show me a play set or item sold separately that ever indicated we should give a crap about Skipper's feelings--always THISCLOSE to hitting puberty and/or graduating from high school, forever a babysitting burden to her perfect older sister. Who's ever going to look at you when Barbie is your sister? Skipper was introduced in 1964 and she wasn't even allowed to have reasonably-sized boobs until 1988. That has to make you bitter, especially since we all know Skipper could live to be a hundred years old and they'll still never be as big as Barbie's. That bitch.

And lastly, we have the semiformal/formal daytime wedding:

Well, I hope this guy isn't supposed to be the groom since I'm pretty sure he's already married to Wallis Simpson. Oh, what. Look me in the eye and tell me that the first thing you thought when you glimpsed this photo was NOT "Oh my God! Edward VIII lives!" Whatever, people, you KNOW this guy would at least be the number one pick to play him for the Lifetime Original Movie version. Also, what's with the chairs being piled up like that? I mean, is the reception over? Was there a riot? And I'm reasonably certain that faux-leaning-on-things is pretty standard in the modeling world, but seriously, who comes up with these poses?



In closing, I've included the least convincing "family" wedding shot in wedding planning book history:



Oh, yeah right. As if there is any family on Earth that is this good-looking and perfect (well, except for mine and E's family which is basically like the warehouse for Supermodels R Us). Remember what I said about a headpiece ruining the whole look here, people? I mean, is she afraid no one's going to know she's the bride unless there's a tulle sunburst on her head? Also, second from the left--well I can only hope Becky doesn't have too much to drink and end up cheating on Uncle Jesse, because that would be unacceptable on SO many levels, although it would add an interesting twist for that whole twins story arc in season five.