Thursday, July 31, 2008

Places E and I may or may not be going on vacation...

If there's anything we here at Lucky Ball Charms love, it's an internet black hole. You all know what I'm talking about--you just log on for a second in the morning to take a quick look at something and 5 hours later, you realize the sun is shining through your window at an AFTERNOON angle and you've missed a major appointment. Well, the latest black hole we are here to promote is English Country Cottages, where you can view beautiful pictures of places you'd really like to be besides where you are right now.

E, you'll be pleased to know I've found some possibilities for our next vay-cay. So, this is the best one so far--behold Hafod Y Rhedrwydd:

I can't say the name even though I had that half a semester of ancient Welsh back in college except for I think the F in the first word is pronounced as a V because technically, it's not an F and the 'dd' at the end is NOT two 'd's, but actually a separate letter. That's all I've got to offer, people--try to deal. So tell me you don't expect to see Ioan Gruffudd come walking over that hillside in a billowy white shirt and breeches with some large, heavy animal slung over his big, broad shoulders. Or perhaps some cherubic children in day dresses giggling and chasing puppies. Or FAIRIES, even. It's THAT kind of place, E.

Next up is The Barn, which obviously is a converted barn, and you know, I'm great with that:

It looks great from the outside. In fact, the only reason I included this one is because it has some of the ugliest, seizure-inducing carpeting I've ever seen:

So, I feel like it's one of those perspective-bending street paintings that looks real--like when they paint a swimming pool and people are falling over themselves to avoid stepping in it because it feels like they're going to fall in. I wouldn't be able to walk on this carpeting because my brain can't figure out the depth pattern--if I step on the white parts, are they going to be higher than the red ones? Perhaps you get a free Cheshire Cat with so many square feet of this carpet design, and he appears above the fireplace and says things like, "That carpet pattern is completely mad. In fact, we're all mad. I'm mad. You're mad," and "My dear, that depends a good deal on where you want to get to. Step only on the white parts if you want to live." Also, this carpet would be a GREAT way to deter home invaders--just carpet your foyer in that pattern, and then, when the robbers entered after picking the lock, they'd just fall to the ground grasping at the walls to keep from falling into the florid abyss!

Next up is the Awesome Hen Wrych Hall Tower:

I mean, LOOK at the bed there, E! Amazing. See, E, if we were to go here, we could pretend to be Locked In The Tower By The Queen and it would be so much more effective since we all know you can't spend the night in the Tower of London. Or maybe we could have been sent there by Henry VIII who really wanted to marry us but didn't want his court to disintegrate when all the women went into jealous rages since we were way better-looking (not AS inbred) and so startlingly witty we made them all look like perfumed DOLTS. So we were EXILED. You see how I can come up with these incredible scenarios? Just like that? I guess I'm just good like that.

So, just when I thought that that carpet was the ugliest floral I'd ever seen, along comes Horner Cottage to light the way (to hell, obviously). I mean, from the outside, it looks lovely and incredible:

And THEN, dear readers, comes the fall:

So, I don't want to ALARM anyone by revealing this, but...these rooms were decorated that way ON PURPOSE. Nestled in the description blurb is this choice line:

Thoughtfully furnished by the owners (who live close by) with pine furniture and Laura Ashley fabrics.

Ah, the cornerstones of quality decorating--pine and Laura Ashley. I mean, obviously we can't stay at this place, E, because the owners live nearby and they'd probably hear us snarking and making fun of their taste and barfing after spending too much time in the yellow bedroom and it would just be so Awkward Turtle. It might even be Awkward Turtle On Its Back... But you know, it's not just Awkward Turtle On Its Back--it's WORSE than that. It's Awkward Turtle On Its Back IN THE SUN. And we all know what happens to turtles on their backs in the sun. They DIE, E. It's awkward AND tragic which pretty much sums up the whole Horner Cottage interior design job.

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