Bye, 2008!

2008

For the coming new year...

Zenhabits.net tells us how to move past Someday Syndrome.

Good news!

Good news for all you boyfriends and husbands who have been forced to watch the recently released DVD of the awesome Chick Flick to End All Chick Flicks, Mamma Mia!: I have been informed by my brothers that since Pierce Brosnan is practically the definition of Bond/Thomas Crown manliness, his very presence in this movie makes it manly. So, Y-Chromosomes, you can watch and enjoy without self-conciousness or embarrassment! Huzzah!

Who knew?

Really?

Maybe I should have been a costumer...

Could there BE a more fascinating site than this? Yeah, I didn't think so.

It's smart to be thrifty!

Emmy, here, reporting to you all on the most depressing day of the whole year: The Day After Christmas. I feel like I JUST GOT the decorations just the way I wanted them. I only JUST GOT into the Christmas spirit. I only JUST MANAGED to get the house clean. The only mitigating factor is, of course, The After Christmas Sale. Everyone knows it's smart to be thrifty-- even people at Macy's in the 1950s, as illustrated in our visual aid. Plus, retail therapy definitely goes a long way toward easing post-holidays depression. So, go shopping, people! Make it happen at shockingly low prices.

Merry Christmas!

A Disney Christmas Gift Television Special (1986)

The Best Christmas Cartoon Ever.

The Night Before Christmas (1933).

The Juice Box #16

Behold--The Twilight Before Christmas...



"Jenn's Twilight Book Report"--LOLOLOLOL!

Even MORE classic Disney Christmas...

LOL.

Walking in a tacky wonderland....

Have some Christmas fun on the Tacky Christmas Light Tour. Seriously, people, you can even search locally! I can't believe I didn't invent this database.

More classic Disney Christmas...

The best part of Donald Duck's Christmas is clearly the overcoat, people.

"The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear." --Buddy the Elf

Well, it's just not CHRISTMAS around my house unless my Mom has on some Christmas music and is trying to sing along with all the harmony parts. It's not that she can't SING or anything. It's just that, as we all know, unless you are some kind of musical savant like in Shine or something, you can't possibly know all the harmony parts without even practicing. Ever the trailblazer, though, Mom doesn't let this stop her, and sings right along anyway. It certainly makes for a lot of Christmas cheer while she searches for the notes. ...She's doing it right now--AS I type this. The song is Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, she's been disharmonic for about 2 verses now, and yet, she's still soldiering on. It's the gift that keeps on giving!

(P.S. How creepy is that album name in our visual aid? Maidens in Melody? Really? Really? How about The Vibrato Virgins? Blooms in B Flat? Hymens in Harmony? Seriously, people...)

Christmas in the Jungle

The downstairs lobby of my office building is decorated for Christmas, which is lovely and cute and festive. Believe me, I'm not complaining--they only started doing it a couple of years ago and I'm a big fan. The decorations generally consist of poinsettias and wreaths and trees--lots of red and green, etc.

And while that is, again, festive, it's also sort of like having to walk through a green house to get to the elevators. It's something that always perplexed me in college--every time we got a speaker in, the way the events committee dressed up the venues for the occasion was by sticking plants everywhere. On some of the smaller auditorium stages it was especially ridiculous--there'd be so many trees and shrubs and plants squeezed into every spare bit of space that the speakers would have to hack through the foliage to get to the podium.

I always waited in hopeful anticipation for the speaker to acknowledge the jungle behind them and open with, "Dr. Livingstone, I presume?"

Never happened--a major disappointment of my college experience.

What a lovely arrangement...

Over at the Holiday Spirit Livejournal, user ultraviolent shows us some pictures of his/her mom's obsession with snowmen as holiday decor. My mom has a similar obsession, only it's with Santas. I wouldn't say it's quite as bad as the snowmen pictured, but it's still like an international Santa conference at our house during Christmas...

Once Upon A Wintertime.

Now, SEE? This is how awesome The Disney Channel used to be before it got overrun by tween starlets.

64 years ago today...

The Battle of the Bulge began.

The Nightmare Before Christmas (in 9 minutes).

How may I help you? I mean, if I MUST.

Here, my friends, is a livejournal after my own heart: Retail Is Hell.

LOLOLOLOLOL. Seriously.

A book of poetry stained with the butter drips from crumpets...

Dear readers, are you, like me, kind of obsessed with used and antiquarian books? Do you find yourself displaying rather compulsive purchasing behaviors in their presence? If so, perhaps you might have fun with this click-through black hole: behold the Notes in the Margins Livejournal. Also, E, I wish you or SOMEONE could explain to me why previous owner markings and marginalia make books less valuable. I mean, I prefer my old books to look like they might have been IN THE MIDDLE OF THINGS, you know? So, E, get back to me on that.

Man delights not me.

You sit on a throne of LIES.

I knew you weren't suited for literature.

Christmas + The Muppets= Amazing.

Get in the car, or I'm telling M on you.

I went to see Quantum of Solace last night, and I was not impressed. I mean, I know James Bond movies are not exactly reality-based, and YET, sometimes, it just gets a little too ridiculous. For instance, I'm SURE that if M were REALLY WORRIED about Bond having gone off the rails, killing at random in the streets of Port au Prince--I'm SURE she's would send someone who looks like this to collect him:

Don't get me wrong, here--the actress, Gemma Arterton, is lovely, but what's with the styling here? Why doesn't M just see if Molly Ringwald is available to collect 007? Especially in that outfit. I mean, nothing says 'I am authoritative' like being naked under a trench coat. Here is Agent Fields looking WAY authoritative:

That's RIGHT, James Bond. Agent Fields is going to, like, TAKE YOUR NAME for when the teacher comes back, so you'd BETTER listen to her. Agent Fields has PERFECT ATTENDANCE, so all the teachers love her.

Also, is it too much to ask for a little BANTER in a seduction scene now? I mean, Bond says one funny little line to Agent Fields and the next thing we see is this:

Uh, take that, James Bond! Agent Fields is FOR REAL serious. You'd better get in the car, or she's telling M on you. ...I mean, right after you do that kisses-along-the-spine thing one more time. THEN, boy, you'd better watch yourself...

Click-Throughs and You.

Need a click-through black hole to distract yourself from the stress of the season? Try the Art Nouveau Livejournal. Oooh, pretty!

Pearl Harbor Day

Remember.

Everything old is new again.

One time, my little brother was supposed to come up with a story and illustrate it for a class at school, and it would get made into a little book, complete with a dedication page and a title page and all that, using this mini printing press that the school had just purchased for the upper elementary grades. So, Little Brother just unleashes his creative powers and "writes" 3 Ninjas, which, amazingly, was strikingly similar in plot to a movie of the same name that had just recently been released. Oh, ALSO, it was Little Brother's favorite movie. I know, right? What a COINCIDENCE! Little Brother even had the SAME NAME as one of his characters in his version of original work, 3 Ninjas! What are the odds??


It's sort of like fanfiction.net user notsomuch2say with her Twilight/The Notebook crossover, creatively entitled The Notebook. Let's just take a quick look at her synopsis:

twilight/notebook crossover. Bella is the daughter of a rich business man and falls in love with a country boy, Edward. Will their summer love ensure [sic]? BASED ON THE MOVIE. CANON PAIRINGS.

Gee, I wonder what's going to happen. I hope their love ensures. Also, I am SO GLAD there are canon pairings. I wouldn't want notsomuch2say (clearly) to be too OUT THERE with her creativity, or anything.

"I know what you are! ...OR DO I? I have some vague idea of a meadow and sparkly skin like diamonds. Say, how come you never wrote to me during the war? "

I couldn't resist.

More from one of the greatest movies of 1987, The Chipmunk Adventure--The Best of Miss Miller:

We've gone on holiday by mistake.

Lost and Found.

Ever wonder what happened to that disposable camera you left at the zoo on a field trip in the 4th grade? Check out the Found Pictures Livejournal to see if it's been recovered after all these years.

Possibly the Greatest Movie of 1987.

A lot of great movies were released in 1987: Ernest Goes to Camp, The Brave Little Toaster, Benji the Hunted, TEEN WOLF TOO (Hello, people!). That's quite a list, but I think there's a film that is usually completely overlooked that is actually the greatest film of that year. Yes, that's right--the greatest movie of 1987 was obviously The Chipmunk Adventure. Don't believe me? Just watch this clip and tell me I'm wrong:



I loved this song so much that when this movie played on tv in the 90s, I held my tape recorder's mic up to the tv speaker to record it onto a tape and have it to KEEP FOREVER (and also to play it over and over and memorize the words so I could act out this scene accurately). You can experience this amazing movie in 6 parts on YouTube. You know you want to.

P.S. Okay, okay--FINE. We can go ahead and three-way tie The Chipmunk Adventure with The Princess Bride and Adventures in Babysitting for The Greatest Movie of 1987. That seems pretty reasonable...

More Livejournal Hilarity.

Want to feel better about your hair? Just go and have a look-see over at the Bad Hair Livejournal.

It's that time again...

It's December 1st! As such, I should inform you that in my world that means it's all Christmas all the time until January 6th. I can't help it--I come from a family that has been known to leave inside Christmas decorations up until February. I suppose that could just mean that we're LAZY and have problems with letting go, but I prefer to think of it as us being fun-loving and do-as-we-please...

Cake LOL.

Check out The Cake Wrecks Blog! And I thought the Jane Asher cakes were awkward and hilarious...

SANTA! I KNOW HIM!

Now that Black Friday is over, it's officially the most wonderful time of the year again. I'm going to TRY to control my EXCITEMENT. Christmas is KIND OF a big deal for me, people. I can't help it.

Never Mix Your Drinks.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Before you buy another beauty product...

...check out THE BEST WEBSITE EVER. Also, how insanely jealous am I that I didn't come up with the idea for that site? I totally left a negative review for the Maybelline BETRAYAL that is Great Lash Mascara. Seriously, that stuff is so overrated--clumpy, zero lash-lengthening action AND it dries out about 30 seconds after opening. I mean, you could probably get better results with a damp lump of coal and a toothbrush. The only way I could be tempted to buy another tube of it is if it were the last tube of mascara ON EARTH. I COULD be that desperate someday, but I'm going to try not to think about it too much because it upsets me so...

Goodness! I taste delicious!

For some reason, this video just never gets old for me--cracks me up every time. I wonder what that says about me as a person, dear readers...

Um, yes.

Victor Davis Hanson gives us Ten Random, Politically Incorrect Thoughts, the first of which is this one:

1. Four years of high-school Latin would dramatically arrest the decline in American education. In particular, such instruction would do more for minority youths than all the ‘role model’ diversity sermons on Harriet Tubman, Malcolm X, Montezuma, and Caesar Chavez put together. Nothing so enriches the vocabulary, so instructs about English grammar and syntax, so creates a discipline of the mind, an elegance of expression, and serves as a gateway to the thinking and values of Western civilization as mastery of a page of Virgil or Livy (except perhaps Sophocles’s Antigone in Greek or Thucydides’ dialogue at Melos). After some 20 years of teaching mostly minority youth Greek, Latin, and ancient history and literature in translation (1984-2004), I came to the unfortunate conclusion that ethnic studies, women studies—indeed, anything “studies”— were perhaps the fruits of some evil plot dreamed up by illiberal white separatists to ensure that poor minority students in the public schools and universities were offered only a third-rate education.

Yes, please! I guess I am biased since I do have a Latin degree, but my experiences tutoring suggest that this is definitely the case. An opportunity to learn an ancient language or two and then to read texts written in it helps kids to develop some sense of perspective for history, literature and language. Since most of them currently have about zero sense of perspective for any of these things, I'll be hopeful and say it can only get better. (When I have a twelve-year-old student who's never seen the word 'petal,' we have an ISSUE, here, people. Uh, I KNOW...)

Did someone say 'pic spam'?

Okay, actually, that was me. We here at Lucky Ball Charms generally don't post picspams because we're KIND OF lazy about picture collecting too sophisticated for all that, but that sure doesn't stop us from posting links to that kind of thing. So here is a link to a post at an amazing livejournal called The Obscure Brit Actors Squee Consortium where you can enjoy a picspam featuring Stephen Campbell Moore of Bright Young Things and The History Boys. And I'm using that Bright Young Things pic mostly because I just REALLY WISH I could wear some kind of FABULOUS between-the-wars head gear like Emily Mortimer is wearing in it. I mean, I would wear it around the house, to the grocery store, to WORK--it would be amazing.

Summertime

So, I know it's like YouTube Video Central here at Lucky Ball Charms lately, but you should really watch this video. Here's the unparalleled Leontyne Price singing one of the most beautiful songs ever written, Summertime, from the musical Porgy and Bess:

Do you like vegetables?

A couple of my favorite things...

...inspiring music and marching bands (okay, so these are actually drum and bugle corps at Drum Corps International 2006, but CLOSE ENOUGH). Also, I realize that in the first video, those kids' heads are all IN THE WAY, and you have to deal with the nuanced commentary of teenage boys ("AW DAY-UM!") toward the end, but with that amazing music, I'm sure you can deal.




Playing and marching:

This video is hot.

Now E, SEE why it was so VITAL that I learn to make YouTube videos? Because now I could make something like this! I mean, I probably could. Too bad I am SO BUSY ALL THE TIME...and stuff.

Pssst! Hey, Carrots!

Note to self: find Slings and Arrows on DVD. Also... GILBERT! You don't know me, but I still LOVE YOU! I'll always be here for you! I could even write a HAIKU for you if you want! ...I mean...uh, yeah...so I'll just close with that...

Fun with fan poetry...

The fan fiction database site Fanfiction.net instructs its posters to 'unleash your imagination.' Let me tell you, my friends, there is nothing more sweet and cringe-inducingly hilarious than teens and tweens unleashing their imaginations on the world wide web.

Takes you RIGHT BACK, doesn't it? I'm pretty sure I spent a significant amount of time in 6th grade planning how I was going to get to Los Angeles so I could dazzle Jonathan Brandis into marrying me. HOW MANY episodes of Seaquest DSV did I dutifully record onto countless VHS tapes, just so I could play them back in slo-mo and stare into his dreamy blue eyes just one more time?
Today we'll be examining a couple of poems by a Twilight fan who calls herself Darren's Wings. The first one is about hot vampire Edward Cullen's eyes, the second, about his love-interest Bella Swan's. I KNOW. Try to control yourselves. The excitement is almost too much...

Eyelashes by Darren's Wings
Bronze bars barring gold
Eyelashes flutter, dazzle
My beautiful dreams

Chocolate by Darren's Wings
Swirling feathers of
Soft chocolate brown closed eyes
Hidden from my own

Ah, haiku. I love haiku--so short and simple. I must admit, though, I'm a little disappointed by the Edward one. What exactly does 'bronze bars barring gold' mean? I mean, does that mean they're shaped like bars and they're just not gold? I fail to see how that adds to our vignette, here, but whatever. I mean, I know part of his appeal is that he's SUPERHUMANLY BEAUTIFUL, but I'm not sure I care too much about his fluttering, dazzling eyelashes. Perhaps I have more of an appreciation of traditional masculinity than Darren's Wings. Here's what I would have written:

Brute Strength by Emmy
Who cares about Edward's eyes?
Dent in the side of a truck
Hand like steel. Yes, please.

Okay, so I have read Twilight and half of New Moon (kind of lost interest after that, I'm afraid), and I will go ahead and say that Bella is my least favorite character of all. And that's pretty sad, considering she's the protagonist. I mean, can we say WHINY? Can we say CODEPENDENT? Of course, I guess Edward is both of those things too, but he's hot and he has SUPERHUMAN STRENGTH, people, so that MAKES UP FOR IT. I guess I can only wish that in the story, Edward could have written the exact same Darren's Wings poem, Chocolate, to give to Bella and she would have been all, "What the hell does this even mean?" and then he could have found someone else. I feel another haiku coming on...

Bella Swan by Emmy
Whining. Edward don't leave me.
No identity
Without you. Whining.

I Just Wanna Be Free...I think...

Here's Theodore Dalrymple on Ian McEwan's On Chesil Beach and Philip Roth's Indignation, discussing how each explores both the allure and the limits of liberation. Yes, I realize this article is from, like, OCTOBER. But I can't be up on every single THING, people.

I am SO going to see this movie...

Washing Up

It's Friday, again, dear readers. Time for another Withnail clip:

We say NO WAY to middle-of-the-week doldrums!

Fighting Wednesday/middle-of-the-week boredom with clips of happiness-inducing musical numbers is just another service we offer here at Lucky Ball Charms. And we're pretty much EXPERTS on being giggly and happy (okay, at least SOME of the time--uh, we can't be perfect, here) so, if that clip didn't make you all giggly and happy and acutely desirous of jumping off a dock somewhere with a bunch of girlfriends, there's probably something wrong with you. You should get a checkup or something, like, right now. You're welcome.

Thank you.

Confession: Sometimes I read kids' books.

Don't be jealous, everyone, but one of my sweet little students brought me a copy of Mary Downing Hahn's Wait Till Helen Comes, a book I always wanted to read in school but never did. I'd like you all to know that I am about to start reading it and I'm NOT EVEN SCARED. I mean, it's just a kids' book for crying out loud. How scary could it BE?

Update: I've only read a few chapters and I already don't want to take the trash out to the dumpster IN THE DARK ALONE. And for those of you who are snarking about me being afraid of a little girl ghost, I ask you--Is not Samara from The Ring a LITTLE GIRL? How about that girl with the blonde pigtails who kills a bunch of people in The Bad Seed? Uh, WEDNESDAY ADAMS? Come on, people.

More Livejournal Hilarity

As illustrated in this lovely portrait of Elizabeth Taylor, eyebrows are serious business. It's best to get them right.

Livejournal Hilarity

How not to do your makeup.

Cake and Fine Wine

Greetings, gentle readers. It's FRIDAY, people. Time for a Withnail clip:

Ava shows us how it's done...

*SIGH* WHY don't people LOOK like this anymore? Well, I mean, besides me and E, everyone. Let's be fair, here. But don't worry, dear readers--jealous-rage-inducing glamor is possible for US ALL with the right tools! If you are interested in being super-glamorous like me, E and Ava, you should check out these vintage/retro fashion and beauty sites:

The Vintage Hair Livejournal

Trashy Diva Clothing and Accessories

Nina's Hair Parlour

The Fedora Lounge Forum: Beauty

Election Day LOL.

Shopgirl Skills 4

Customer: I'd like one Extreme Peach Smoothie and one Intense Green Apple Smoothie, please.

[I make the peach-colored Extreme Peach Smoothie and hand it to her before I start on the green Intense Green Apple Smoothie]

Customer: [to me, all snotty-like] Well, is THIS the PEACH ONE, or what...?


Hmmm. No, it's actually the green apple one, which is why it's the same color as peaches. Have a nice day.

Somebody STOP ME.

Why, YES, it IS another fan video that I--Emmy, one of your intrepid salonnières-- made when overtaken by a sudden rush of FANGIRL. Hey, life is SHORT, people. If I want to make a sappy/romantic/INSPIRATIONAL video starring James McAvoy and Christina Ricci in Penelope, I WILL, thank you very much.

Happy Halloween!

SO, everyone, for Halloween I am going to post the scariest video EVER:

Well, I hope none of you passed out from fright over that. Seriously, though, when I was five, that scene from Darby O'Gill and the Little People scared me so bad that for YEARS I couldn't fall asleep unless I was facing the window in case the banshee were to actually appear in it. That way, I could at least be READY to do some rolling manuever out of bed and bolt for the door. I ALSO had to sleep with the covers over my face in order to actually not SEE the banshee in my window when it appeared. Yeah, I don't know what was up with my logic, there, but I WAS FIVE. Geez.

Jane Austen+cyberspace=AMAZING.

E, WHY did we not know about THIS BLOG?? ...Did you know and not tell me? Because, if so, you are dead to me, just so we're clear about that...

Costume Drama Porn that I MADE.

Don't be jealous everyone, BUT...I made some fan videos concerning Jane Austen. We here at Lucky Ball Charms are very open and RATHER FANATICAL about our love for Ms. Austen and her works, so I don't want to hear any SNICKERING about how lame video tributes are or how you think Jane Austen books are boring. Everyone knows that Jane Austen is amazing. So, dear readers, you'll watch these two fan videos of the biopic Becoming Jane AND the 2007 adaptation of Persuasion. You'll watch them and LIKE them. Or else.





P.S. I know my first video has some ISSUES, but it's the first one I EVER MADE, so you all can give me a break, here.

HELLO, people. It's Huddy.

So, this is probably yet another sign that this show has completely jumped the shark by continuing in its rapid replacement of fascinating medical mystery with juicy character melodrama, BUT I don't really care because I enjoy watching Hugh Laurie make out with people. I guess it doesn't hurt that I am ALL ABOUT some Huddy. Also, I'd like the writers of House to know that I am going to need to see a ton more of this kind of thing in season five. Otherwise, it could get UGLY. I might have to STOP WATCHING. Yeah! That's right. Take THAT. I mean, it's not like your show CONTROLS me. I don't HAVE to watch it, you know. I can stop any time I want...

Oh HEY EVERYONE. Today, we're going to apprise you of more hot people on tv. Well, one more anyway. To watch sex-ay Rufus Sewell as brilliant biophysicist Dr. Jacob Hood (genius is SO HOT, people), you'll have to tune in to CBS on Thursdays at 10 and watch Eleventh Hour.

Sadly, we have to say that the actual show is not so amazing. We feel that there is a glaring lack of chemistry between the two main characters, probably due to the awkward, sex kitten-y way his costar is playing her FBI agent character. Also, the episodes are way too preachy for my taste. Still, who even cares about that when you can watch Rufus Sewell? You could always just put your tv on mute and TAKE IN THE VIEW. Oh yeah.

More Joy of HSN.

Oh, HSN! You never disappoint! Check out Handbags by Sharif. AND, there's video, of course:



To me, these bags look like something that might appear in one of those little girl dress-up trunks you can get now. You know the ones I'm talking about--the ones that come with sequin tube tops, lace gloves, tutus in three colors and plastic kitten-heeled slides. Also, I love how HSN feels that a major selling point of these bags is that they have a lot of HANDMADE ACCENTS. Hello, people! Handmade does not equal beautiful, okay? I mean, lots of ugly things are HANDMADE--just think of those macaroni pictures you used to make for your mom in second grade. Exactly.

Costume Drama Porn

Lucky Ball Charms definitely wishes there were an actual Costume Drama tv channel. And we wish it were called something like The Cravat Channel or StaysTV. Hello, people, cravats are HOT. I'm glad we're clearly not the only ones who think so:

We here at Lucky Ball Charms take great joy in apprising our readers of hot people on tv. We also feel that there is a tragic shortage of sexy, red-headed men on both the small and silver screens. If you feel the same way, be sure and watch drool-worthy Damian Lewis as Detective Charlie Crews in the crime show Life on NBC, Fridays at 10pm. OR you could just watch full episodes whenever you want online (at NBC or Hulu). That too.

The Joy of HSN.

I can't be the only one who thinks The Home Shopping Network is kind of like valium. It's like, as long as people are still selling stuff on tv, then it can't really be Armageddon. My job(s) might be reaching all-time highs of suckitude, the stock market might be all WTF, and Barack Obama might be about to start spreading my wealth for purposes of fairness. And yet, somehow, watching overly made-up women walking around on sound stages in Diamondique-accented club wear and taking calls from lonely old women in Small Town, USA, all ringed in the ambient glow of a television screen makes me feel OKAY.

So, don't get me wrong, here--I wouldn't actually buy anything off HSN. I'm just admitting that it's KIND OF an anchor for me. Just knowing it's there--like a guard dog or a night light--that's the purpose it serves for me. My favorite segment lately is the amazing Wei East Anti-Aging Cosmetics line made from REAL GOLDEN ROOT. I don't actually know what Golden Root is, but apparently it's only available A MILLION FEET ABOVE SEA LEVEL or something like that, so it's really rare and makes your skin look like baby skin.

...You know, I don't even NEED the snarkiness, E. For real. ANYWAY, as I was saying, watch this video and tell me Wei is not the most comforting tv personality since Johnny Carson. That might be a stretch, but I know that when things get tough for me, I'll be saying, "Oh, Wei, tell me a story! Tell me about the Golden Root and the 'ancient royalties' again and let me know that you'll ALWAYS BE THERE with my Golden Root--no matter what happens!"

Shopgirl Skills 3

Me: Hi ladies, may I help you?

Woman 1: Yes, we're looking for some hostess gifts.

Woman 2: My son is going to spend some time in Europe with some host families over Spring Break, and I need something small so it will fit in his bags, you know?

Me: Okay, well, how about some smaller coffee table books? We have some in paperback. Maybe like these Images of America historic photograph books? We have some on Georgia. We also have some tea and hot chocolate sets and some glassware over in the coffeeshop area.

Woman 2: Well, we'd like something that brings our culture to THEM, you know?

Me: Okay, well, maybe the books would be best for that.

Woman 1: They're too BIG, though. That's the only thing. I mean, it has to fit in his luggage, and he needs more than one.

[At this point, Woman 2 excitedly grabs a plastic and rubber Mickey Mouse clip bookmark off a rack and holds it up for her friend.]

Woman 2: OH, now SEE? THIS is perfect. It's very representative of America!

Woman 1: Oh, yes! That is perfect! [turning to me] What do you think?

Me: Um, that is really, uh, cute, but I'm not sure it's what you're looking for...

Woman 1: It really isn't right for a hostess gift, is it? ...Well, thanks for your help! I guess we'll go to Target or something. Bye!

[Woman 2 looked a little stricken, but went along anyway.]

Call me a snob if you want, dear readers, but a clip bookmark? Really? Wait--what am I SAYING? What an amazing hostess gift, sure to be useful and enjoyed by all members of the host family for years to come. Plus, it's not like Mickey Mouse novelties are available, like, OVERSEAS, as everyone knows. Also, too bad about that whole No-Liquids-On-Planes thing since without that rule, they could have taken an appropriate gift that was REALLY representative of America and Georgia--A CAN OF COKE! HELLO, people--it says AMERICA, it says ATLANTA! It's perfect! I don't know what could possibly be more tasteful than that, either... Okay, maybe a Special Edition Scarlett O'Hara Barbie IN the Twelve Oaks Barbecue Gown, but she said something SMALL, everyone. Geez.

Old People vs. The Machines

Round One: The Self Checkout Lane (Home Depot, circa 2004)

My brother: Let's just go through the self checkout lane! It'll be faster.

My Dad: But I can't do that! I need change!

My brother: ...It actually will give you change...

My Dad: Oh...

Can't you just sort of imagine him leaning awkwardly into the touch screen and saying slowly, "Hello, machine! I'd like to purchase these items, please!"? I know--KIND OF adorable.

Rejected Suitor of the Week: Henry Cavill

So, dear readers, I think it all went rather well, considering. It's always hard when E and I have to turn down yet another sweet, handsome swain who had, no doubt, been attending our salon in hopes of snaring one of us for himself, having no choice but to act upon his intense primal desires for our Awesome. This week's lovelorn lad is the exquisite Henry Cavill. I know, ladies and gentlemen, I know. Meow. You may be thinking that E and I must be completely mad to turn down someone as superhumanly beautiful as Henry Cavill, but it's only because, as we all know, E and I are ALSO superhumanly beautiful. So you see how it could never work. I mean, our babies would obviously be, like, too beautiful to live. They'd be OSTRACIZED like in that episode of The Twilight Zone where a beautiful woman has been deemed a FREAK because she doesn't have a pig nose like everyone else. Think of the children, readers--think of the children! As a parting gift, I shall post an intimate candid of E and I lounging around with the lovely HC before we so cooly rejected him:


So, your leg looks HAWT there, E. I mean, so do my boobs, but I'm just saying...

Speaking of tv show openings...

Please notice that toward the end, this amazing video features THE scariest part of Are You Afraid of the Dark? Yes, that's right--it features the opening credits. Seriously. The clown doll and the swings--OMG. When that show would come on, I'd basically have to turn the channel until the opening credits were over and then watch the actual show, just like with The X-Files and Unsolved Mysteries. Who writes such freaking scary music, people? Do you have to be weird or something?...I mean, not that I was some kind of BABY about it, but you know...

When Nickelodeon was awesome...

I KNOW I'm not the only one who had a huge crush on DANNY! Hawt! I'd love for him to teach me how to, like, ROPE things and stuff. I know, I know--who's with me on that, ladies and gentlemen?? ...So, I kind of hate how so many people here are obviously huge liars...

So, FYI, everyone--do yourselves a favor and DO NOT go see Transsiberian. I was so excited about this movie, and the premise seemed so thrilling and YET it was ruined by completely unlikable/moronic characters, an unsatisfying, unrealistic ending and a pace like silly putty through a sieve. At this point, you may be saying, "But Emmy, silly putty can't actually GO through a sieve." And my reply to that, my friends, would be, "Exactly." Seriously, by the end of this movie, I felt like I had been sitting in the theater since 2005. For real. Save yourselves, dear readers! Steer clear of this massive disappointment. (Okay, except for Ben Kingsley. I mean, he was pretty good, but is he ever really bad in anything? No. There you go...)

80s Nostalgia Cont'd

Okay, so I seem to remember maybe I DID actually have that updo Barbie featured in the preceding post...something about the hair clip seems...familiar. But then again, how do I know that it didn't belong to one of my friends? Come ON, people, it was 20 YEARS ago--I can't have a perfect memory that far back! Anyway, don't be jealous, but I actually did have THIS amazing Barbie back in the 80s:



I cannot express how awe-inspiring that Barbie was, people. Glow-in-the-dark STARS with a matching PARASOL. I think that says it all.

80s Nostalgia

So, I'd just like my parents to know that I really, really, REALLY wanted this Barbie back in the 80s. Thanks for CRUSHING MY DREAMS, Mom and Dad. Look how AWESOME I'd probably be at updos today, if ONLY you'd given me the chance...

Ode to Guilty Pleasures

So...this isn't going to actually be an ODE. I'm not a POET, people. I mean, don't get me wrong--I probably COULD be a poetic genius, obviously...but, you know, I don't have time for the kind of fame that would inevitably bring. Anyway, I know you'll all be pleased to know that my light posting activity was brought on by two very important things: A) training for my new job and B) reading edifying nonfiction Twilight by Stephenie Meyer. ...Why, yes, I AM probably a little too old to be reading that, but you know, I'm going to need you all to not be haters, here, okay?

It's true that the writing is a little weak--sort of like high-end fan fiction. I'm pretty sure that the word 'chuckle' appears about 5,000 times in this book. And it's true that some things in it don't really make any sense. Uh, the Cullens' bodies are stone cold all the time? And no one has noticed? Ever? Hasn't anyone in Forks ever brushed up against one of the Cullens and realized they felt like marble statues? And the whole on-again-off-again Edward and Bella wangst fest is kind of tiring. I could go on. AND YET, I've finally decided that I don't really need my hot, glittery vampires to make a lot of SENSE. It's enough that they are superhumanly beautiful and have magical powers, people. Besides, we ALL need some guilty pleasures once in a while.

I mean, this one time in high school, I watched in a SINGLE SITTING, the entire trashtastic 5-hour miniseries Lace (1984) starring Phoebe Cates. The plot goes something like this: Abandoned as a child, Lili Lace first works in a labor camp, eventually prostituting herself on the streets of Paris before becoming a soft-core porn actress and finally transforming herself into a real actress making big money so she can find the three women who might be her long lost mom, gather them all in a room and say, "Which one of you bitches is my mother?" Other highlights of the series include, but are not limited to, blackmailing a school headmaster having a secret affair with his chauffer, possible incest between Lili and someone who could be her half brother, and cinematography involving a Swiss chateau. I mean, I don't even know how you can go wrong with that. LOOK at that promotional picture coupled with my synopsis and TELL me you're not interested in seeing it. No one has to know. It's called Netflix.

...Whatever. I don't believe you, and also, I don't actually appreciate your tone...

ANYWAY, those were a couple of MY guilty pleasure triumphs, so hopefully someone will comment with some of his or her own (and by 'someone' I mean YOU, Recycled Art Girl).

So...

Don't be JEALOUS, E, but... they found Bigfoot in the woods in North GEORGIA. I mean, apparently, he's dead, but still. Don't feel bad. We can't ALL BE from Bigfoot's home state, E. The best thing for you to do would be to try and accept this with that quiet dignity which most becomes you.

Welcome back, Correspondent E!

So, I would just like to take this opportunity to welcome you back to the salon after your ORDEAL, Correspondent E! I know you readers probably think that is plucky muckraker Nellie Bly in that picture to the right, but once again, you'd be mistaken. 'Tis stalwart Correspondent E, using her great beauty and staggering genius to expose doctors who don't know how to use x-ray machines and stick pins in people for no reason. It's like Ten Days in a Madhouse 2008.

Although...I feel like I might not MIND having an extra pin stuck in me if my doctor looked like Hugh Laurie. I bet I wouldn't even need anesthesia--I could just get lost in his eyes. I know, I know, E, I'M the one who is all OMG HUGH LAURIE and not you, but I'm just SAYING. ...I don't know how this post ended up being about me and Hugh Laurie. I'm SORRY, E. Well, at least give me some credit for not posting a gratuitous House picture.

Still, once again, dear E, welcome back!